Who is Siegfried anyway?
by Sharper Lee
Summary: If you're looking for a random story, here it is in all it's glory! Heheheh, that rhymes... FINAL CHAPTER IS UP!Disclaimer: I do not own Soul Calibur [shifty look]...
1. Chapter 1:Tutti Frutti Hair

Hello, there, my friends! Yes, after a bit of writer's block and a deliberation with the continuity of my other story, "Talim meets Alan: Love in a Savaged arm", I came up with this absolute monstrosity. I just started it randomly, ended it randomly, did everything else randomly. There might be a little similarity with Talim's adventure of DOOM and Unluckiness, but meh, that can't be helped. Read it and weep. WITH JOY!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hello, my name is Setsuka." Setsuka said to Yunsung. They were in the magnificent plains of Krabbyslap. I didn't make that up, that's an actual place! Ok I made it up...

"Who are you?"

"Hello my name is Setsuka."

"Who are you?"

"HELLOMYNAMEISSETSUKA"

"ha ha. I annoyed you." Yunsung jeered.

"NOT FUNNY! I HAVE AN UMBRELLA AND I WILL USE IT."Setsuka screamed.

"Why did the little boy cut holes in his umbrella?" Yunsung asked.

"I don't know." Setsuka said, "Why _did_ the" OK I AM NOT TYPING THAT OUT AGAIN.

"Because he wanted to see if it was raining." Yunsung replied.

Setsuka stared at him, baffled, puzzled, confunded, other big words.

"Ok, while you think about that, I am going to pick my nose."

Setsuka stared at him some more.

"Just wanted to give you the heads up!" and Yunsung proceeded to pick his nose. Setsuka noticed that every time he put his finger up his nose his hair changed colour.

"Wow how do you do that?" she asked.

"dowat?"

"Pick your nose and..."

"Oh, you just adjust the "pryer" this one here's called the "pryer". So called because it prys the..."

"No I mean make your hair change colour."

"What? I don't change my hair colour. I don't dye my hair red. Where did you get that idea thats nonsense! What are you talking about? SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUP!"

"When you stick your finger up your nose your hair changes colour." Setsuka said. She said that because she was very observant. I know. Cos I'm the author.

"It does?"Yunsung asked. He stuck his finger up his nose, and his hair changed colour to a light brown.

"Hey!" he screamed excitedly, "I always wanted to be a brunette! Oooohhhh"

"Let me have a go!"Setsuka stuck her finger up Yunsung's nose, and it changed into a blonde. "Howdy y'all!" Don't ask. Setsuka stuck her finger up again, and again, and again, really fast, and his hair was changing colour really fast and Yunsung was going , "aaawwwwooooohhhhh that hurts! Eewww it doesn't look right. Uuuuurrggghhh. Hey brunnette again-awww..."

And after many sticking up of nose, Setsuka stopped and looked admirably at her work, "I knew I could make it go Tutti Frutti!"

KABOOOOOOMMMMMMM(yunsungs head exploded)

"Oh dear." Setsuka said, "Now I'll never see Tutti frutti hair again. "

"tralalaaalaaaaalaaalaaaaaaalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Talim sang as she saw Setsuka.

"Hello my name is Setsuka."

"Oh d-d-d-d-dear!"Talim squeaked. "Pooh b—I mean Yunsung's head has been blown off. I must do my ancient ritual dance to revive him. Stand back, Setsuka."

"Setsuka? My name's not Setsuka. It's Taki." And it was. The person the author has led you to belive was Setsuka has all the while been Taki. I am the GameMaster! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

"Ok I'm going to do my ancient ritual dance now!" Talim announced. She got into the appropriate, arched pose, and sang respectfully, "I'm a little TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT. HERE IS MY HANDLE HERE IS MY SPOUT. WHEN YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING HERE ME SHOUT, TIP ME UP AND POUR ME OUT."

Yunsung came up from behind them, "Hey what's going on, guys. Hey Look! It's me and I'm dead! I think I'm going to join me." And Yunsung lay on the ground and died instantly. Oh I forgot to mention his head blew off as well. And maybe one of his arms. I don't care. He's the worst character in Soul Calibur so I don't care. Life is sweet.

Talim took a deep, suffering sigh, and bean to chant again, "I'm a little TEAPOT..." but Taki stopped her, "It's not worth it. The world is better without him."

"I recognise that voice..." Talim muttered suspiciously.

"Um its me Taki."

"There it goes again..."

"It's TAKI!"

"It's the wind! WIND! WIND! WIND! WIND!WIND!WIND!"

"Ok shut up!"

Then Siegfried appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. And he hit Talim over the head and knocked her out. He did that because he is very mean, and even though I don't know what he's like at all I'm gonna make him mean. Because I had to pick on SOMEONE to shut Talim up. But Talim's my favorite charatacter. So therefore he is mean.

"You're so MEAN!" Taki screamed. She screams a lot.

"Hur Hur Hur!"Siegfried laughed. "I know!"

"Who are you anyway?" she asked.

"I am Siegfried!"said Taki... I mean Siegfried.

"No you are not!"Taki screamed. And he hit him over the head with his umbrella. And it was very sore.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Um, The end. Well I might continue it. It's very good for whenever I have writer's block.

Leeroy-Priest of the Wind


	2. Chapter 2: KISSING!

Yes, I decided to give you nice people another chapter of madness! Jeez this one is mad! I mean you've seen the man who owns the confectionary down the road and the opium man but thats nothing...well you get it...

------------------------------------------------------------

Now, where we left off, Yunsung is dead with no head and one less arm, Talim has been knocked out by Siegfried (he is mean, btw) and Setsuka is actually Taki.

Siegfried and Taki both left because they are rejects, and so Yunsung was magically alive with his head and arm again. And the first thing he said is, "I have a strange craving for teapots." and Talim woke up too. Now, because Talim had done her ancient ritualistic dance and it backfired and stuff, some kind of magical mahoolegy occurred, and now Talim was SHORT and STOUT! Well, just stout. You can't make her any shorter, can you, that would just be cruel. So, anyway, Talim, instead of her perfect flat tummy, had a pot belly. Which is kinda sweet really isn't it?

"HAHA, YOU'RE FAT!"Yunsung jeered! He jeers a lot.

Talim began to cry. Because she is a priest girl and she is only small and OMG ISN'T SHE CUTE so she cries. Oh and she's sensitive. And Yunsung now feels a bit of an asshole.

"Sorry."Wow, thats the only solemn thing ANYONE has EVER said in the HISTORY of this fanfic!

Talim continues to cry, and the (male!) author is going to cry too soon. This is because Talim is looking at her fatness and she really doesn't like it. Don't ya just wanna hug her? Oh, and she doesn't remember that Christina Aguilera song that always used to cheer her up. But guess who DOES?

"You are beautifullll...No matter what they sayyyy!" Yunsung sings.

"Words caaaan't bring us down!" they sing in unison.

Then they both suddenly start _kissing_ because thats what everybody seems to do in fanfics but then again what would it be without a little friskiness and whatnot!

Now I could just throw in here that they had SEX right there on the lush green grass of Krabbyslap. Because that would make people want to READ my story because theres so much SEX! I could very easy just put in a little D--- here and a little...but I don't wanna because I am not shallow and I am upstanding and everything(turn on some American allegiance music now, even though I'm not American. I'm Irish. Do we have a national anthem? Hello? Anyone? I forget it! Ah well let's just all have a ceili!)and I do what's right to protect the chillun. Ok where were we?

Oh yes, well Talim and Yunsung were _kissing_ and even though Talim was a bit fat they both rather enjoyed it. They were going MWUAH! Except Talim is a girl so she went mwah! But Yunsung is a boy so he went oh MWUHHHHAAAAAHHHHHH!

Necrid came along and he couldn't stand all the yucky-ucky-ness so he went and charged into them and they both flew to the side. Talim didn't look so right because her flab just tended to bounce about because she was wearing that green top thing which only covers her hubba-hubbas(Yunsung christened them) so her full tummy was exposed and had nothing to keep it so like i said it all went like slow-motion flop-flop. Hey why am I picking on Talim, she's pretty! Yunsung fell and was stupid.

Necrid went, "raaarughhhuma!"

"Go away, Necrid!" said Yunsung.

"Yeah, pimply-bottom!" Talim wasn't good at insults at all.. "You stole my moves! Now I feel cheated and you CAN'T CHEAT AT SOUL CALIBUR 2! IT'S NOT RIGHT I TELL YOU! IT'S JUST NOT RIIIIGHT!"

Necrid was scared of Talim because she is so awesome and shouty and he was also scared of girls because they were so good-looking and he didn't understand because he had a deprived childhood(he didn't have a childhood!).And so he ran away going "Ahuuummaagummawummamummy!"

Then Xianghua came along and said, "Just kidding!"

Talim and Yunsung went over to say, "About what?"

Xianghua took a cookie out of her pocket, "Have this!"she gave it to Yunsung- Talim looked like she'd had enough.

"Thanks!"Yunsung chortled and scoffed down the cookie , well most of it. The rest of it went up his nose, and his hair went Tutti Frutti!

"Here's another!" she yelled, and thrust another one into Yunsung's hands, and he wolfed it down with gusto.

"How come I don't get any?"Talim complained, after Xianghua pulled out another cookie. Xianghua looked at her pitifully and offered it to her, but pulled it away at the last second. "Just kidding!" and she poked her in the stomach, which made Talim cry again, because she was only small and...oh god!

Xianghua waved the cookie at her tauntingly. Then, she slowly pushed it underneath the top of her dress so she wouldn't get it. Yunsung dived for it. He kept saying, "I'm hungry!" but he was hungry, hungry for BOOBS! OH MY GOD LOOK WHAT I DID!

So as he was having a feel at Yunsungs...I mean XIANGHUAS BOOBS(OMG), Talim was still crying because she didn't get her cookie and also Yunsung didn't want to feel her BOOBS he wanted Xianghuas instead because lets be honest, Talim had hit puberty a little late.

So suddenly Yunsung was feeling TWO PAIRS OF OMG PORN!

Ok so that didn't happen.

Talim got her cookie.

She must have sensed a change in the cookie, because it looked to the sky and smiled.

-----------------------------------------------

Review if you want. I'm not this mad in person...much...


	3. Chapter 3: Enter Abercrombie!

Ah well, may as well give it a go at randomness. I have run out of Coca Cola to get high on, so this is lower on randomness...I think. Maybe. It might just be a more intelligent form of randomness. Oh yeah I may as well start naming chapters!

Chapter 3: Enter Abercrombie!

Meanwhile, in the marshy marshiness of the Krabbyslap outback, the Stevenus Irwinus was sneaking through, well, the marsh, and he was making noises like this...

"Crikey crikey crikey crikey crikey crikey"

Well anyway he was looking for strange and beeee-uuuuu-tiful creatures. And it wasn't long until he found one. He said, "Crikey, it's the rare Snotus Gorilla!" but it was actually Astaroth.

"Crikey!"Stevenus cried, "Listen to that, mates, it's _growling!_ This could mean one of two things. One, he has detected a mate, or two he has detected something in it's presence! Oh, amazing, I think it's option one, he's doing it's ritualistic sticking up of his nose right now!"

What Stevenus did not know was that there was a third thing. That thing happened to be the thing that was happening. See, the third thing was that Astaroth was sticking his finger up his nose because he had read the last chapter, just like EVERYONE ELSE! That's right, all THREE of you! (grumble) Anyway, so he read the last chapter and went boohaw, and thought he could stick his finger up his nose and change his hair colour. And well he didn't have any hair. And he didn't understand because he also had no childhood, so he roared. You can laugh now.

So anyway, Stevenus Irwinus happened to venture too close to Asaroth, and he went, "WOOOOORRRRMMMMMMSSSSS!" No, not Stevenus, Astaroth...

So Stevenus went "Crikey", and that was his only joke, so he was easily dispensable by the author, so Astaroth ate him. Then Astaroth said, "WANT COOKIES!"so he went to see if Xianghua, Talim and Yunsung had any cookies.

And they did have cookies, because Xianghua seemed to keep conjuring them out of nowhere. Talim was still very sad about her flab. And Yunsung was STILL stupid and eating cookies.

Astaroth came and went, "WANT COOKIES!"

And Xianghua gave him a cookie. No-one had ever been that nice to Astaroth before. Tears welled up in his white eyes, and he sat down quietly and ate his cookie with the rest of them. Poor Astaroth, he was never played with, written about in a fan-fiction, fancied, or even given a cookie. And Woah-ho-hoo, he falls for Xianghua.

Now, Cookies are much more nutritious than SOULS! They're brain food, y'know. You've read it here, get eatin' kids! Anyway, once eating said cookie, Astaroth for once said something other than "Worms!"

"Oh, I say, charming piece of cookie right there, splendiferous, if I do say so yourself. Lining is perfect, spiffing, and are those chips made in Timbuctoo? Xianghua? Charmed, it's Abercrombie Shondi Theodore Alexander Richard Ocelot Timothy Harrison, but everyone calls me Astaroth."

Everyone said "HELLO!" cos they were so friendly. And so this chapter ends with no violence or sex references. BOOOOring. So Talim hit Yunsung over the head with an umbrella, and then a teapot popped out of his Tutti Frutti hair, and she was so touched she _kissed him! _OOOOOOH!

The end...of this chapter...


	4. Chapter 4: Murder on the dance floor

Oh gawd I hate this story and I wish I never started it. It's just getting in the way. I will give it a swift and untimely end.

----------------------------------------------------------------

When we left our heroes, there might have been romance, fear, excitement, or emotion in the air. If you don't know which, then you obviously didn't read the last chapter did you? Well? What are you looking at, Taki got your tongue?

Astaroth/Abercrombie said, "Xianghua, I love you will you marry me?"

Talim gasped and there was huge floppy noise as her flab inhaled. Kind of like: shubshubslub! And Yunsung went duh. Duh duh duh duh...marry...MARRY WTF? And Xianghua said "Ok"

"HUZZAH!"Talim yelled squeakily. And Abercrombie took off his face mask and revealed a very horrible grin.

"Just kidding!"Xianghua said immediately after seeing the grin.

Abercrombie put on a top hat and said,"I say, I say, I say, I say, I say some more, and I say a lot, when I say...NO LIKEY!", and he picked up Xianghua by her foot so she dangled upside down. And she didn't have an in-game response to this, so she continually went , "Uah!" which was one of her damage sounds. Abercrombie climbed up the Empire State Building, which was a very big tree in those days. And Talim looked up at Abercrombie and shouted, "Don't worry, Abercrombie, believe in yourself!" Yunsung did some more duhs.

Abercrombie did believe in himself then, and he was so believing in himself that he began to recite a wedding procession off by heart, with Xianghua dangling upside down and saying nothing because she didn't have a sound of disgust.

Yunsung snapped out of his duhs, just as Abercrombie said, "We are gathered here today..." Yunsung said to Talim, "Are we getting married already?"

"No."Talim replied, "Abercrombie is trying to marry Xianghua, and the worst thing about it is..."

"IS THAT HE'S DOING IT IN AN ENGLISH ACCENT!"Yunsung yelled.

UUUUUAUAAAAHGHGJDASJGSAJGJKSACJGJ!

"It hurts!"Yunsung started foaming at the mouth, "IT HUUUUUURTS ME EARS!"and he stuck his fingers in his ears so his nose went Tutti Frutti and a teapot came out of it. Then he shouted to Talim, "What will we do?"

"I don't know, Pigl- I mean Yunsung I think I'll go to my thinking log and think about that."And Talim went to her famed thinking log and began to tap herself on the head and say, "think, think, think." Yunsung, who was incapable of thinking, started sticking the teapot up his nose. All the while, Abercrombie was attempting to make Xianghua recite her wedding vows, which she couldn't do, and Abercrombie kept poking her in places she didn't like to be poked.

"Talim I don't know how to stop Abercrombie."Yunsung said, the teapot jammed up his nose, "Talim?"

Talim had her head stuck in a honey pot.

"Oh No!"

"I'm sorry Yunsung!"Talim's echoey voice came, "I couldn't resist!"and then there was a "shhhhulllrpyslurpslurps" of her slurping up the honey.

Yunsung took a firm grasp on Talim's flab and heaved. It was like pulling on one big giant boobie. He would know. He knew his boobies.

And then, "pop!" Talim's head popped out. It was all yellow now.

"NO!"Talim screamed in a spooky voice, "THE WIND DEMANDS MORE!"

Then Nightmare came along, because he was cool, and he said, "SOULS!"

Talim shouted "WIND!"

Then Link came because he was also cool, and he said, "SEYAH!"

"SOULS!"

"WIND!"

"SEYAH!"

"SOULS!"

"WIND!"

"SEYAH!"

Then President Bush came, and he was just a bush back then, and he said, "Stop that!"

And because EVERYBODY listens to President Bush, everyone stopped what they were doing. Yunsung stopped humping Talim's flab. Nightmare stopped shouting and so did Link and so did Talim. Xianghua stopped not saying anything and recited every digit of pi, and no-one listened. Abercrombie stopped reciting wedding vows and also stopped holding onto the tree, so he fell, with a great "ROOOOAAAAAAAAARRRR!"And he fell and because of his huge weight the land shook and broke up and lava came out and _nearly everyone DIED!_

That's what happens when you listen to President Bush.

THEEEEEE ENNNNNNNDDDDD!

Hehehehe! I'm so NASTY!


End file.
